By your side
by loulou777
Summary: Scene from episode 2x20 Alec's reaction, helped by Magnus during and after Jace's death before they head to the lake.


Alec stood stooped over the command centre display panel watching, waiting intently for the institute's aerial detectors to pick up the trail of the demons and flag them up on the detailed map of New York City projected out in front of him. They couldn't have just vanished. It just didn't make sense and it was making him very nervous. He already felt tense knowing Jace and Clary were headed to Lake Lyn alone in light of Malachi's treachery. He heart told him he should be there with him, should have his parabatai's back like he was supposed to, but his head had overruled. He knew he couldn't have left New York earlier, not while the rift to the demon dimension was still open allowing the hoards of Edomi and the angel only knew whatever else through. And now they'd simply vanished. It definitely didn't make sense. _The situation was totally screwed up_ he thought, something he'd never say out loud.

He was acutely aware of Magnus' close proximity. He was only a few feet away standing behind him, yet it felt like they were separated by an ocean. It was still uncomfortable despite just having worked together to close the rift. Magnus had saved his life. He hadn't wanted to ask for his help despite longing to see him. It was obvious how Magnus was going to react given the state of their relationship and Magnus' feelings toward the clave and he knew being expected to be at the institute's, at Alec's, beck and call would only anger him. But Isabelle had been right. These were desperate times and they needed to work together regardless of their situation and put aside their own petty quarrels.

Except they didn't feel petty. How could they be when they had affected his life and happiness so much . He couldn't believe how their relationship had changed so quickly. Magnus had almost been cruel earlier calling him 'Shadowhunter' when he'd appeared at his door and it had hurt. He didn't hold it against him though. He could see Magnus was hurting and he'd probably deserved it after keeping something so important from him. But Magnus had chose his downworld family over him too. He'd never blame him for that either. Family always came first in Alec's world, but he'd thought he was part of Magnus' family as well and he hated knowing he wasn't anymore. The ever present knot in his stomach was a constant reminder of the piece of him that was missing, no matter how much he tried to ignore it.

A jolt of pain pulled him suddenly from his thoughts, stabbing through his body making him gasp and pushing him to lean heavily on the display panel. He was vaguely aware of Magnus asking if he was ok and somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that it meant Magnus still cared about him, but his surroundings were rapidly drifting into the distance. He knew instantly it had come from Jace and the burning sensation that was steadily growing from his parabatai rune had him lifting up his shirt to look at it. Something was seriously wrong. Dread squeezed the pit of his stomach and set his heart racing. Their rune was glowing and burning more and more and then suddenly the only thing in the world was his connection to Jace. Powerful flashes of their joint interactions over the past few years since they had become bonded assaulted his brain throwing raw emotion and pain throughout his body. An intense stabbing pain pulsed through him from Jace and he couldn't stop himself falling to his knees with the enormity of it, only just catching himself as he gripped desperately to the display like it was a life line. He could feel their bond ripping apart, breaking his soul in two and crushing his heart. It was excruciating and he could hardly process the terrible sensation. He felt like he was dying.

The pain was so unbearable he couldn't control the agonising screams that filled the command centre and he thought it would never end. He was aware of nothing else and wanted to claw at his heart and rip it out to make it all stop. But then just when he could take no more it began to subside. The pain receded to a burn, becoming focused again at the site of his rune. He dragged air into his lungs feeling like he could finally breath again, gasping for each breath as clarity returned.

He was on the floor with Magnus at his shoulders and Isabelle at his side. The room had gone deathly quiet. He pulled up his shirt to watch his rune fade to nothing as the burning disappeared completely and his connection to his brother slipped away. His was skin flawless like it had never been marked and he felt sick, in shock that it was gone. He couldn't feel Jace. He was gone too. Gone, and he felt empty.

"He's dead" he told the others and he knew it to be true like he knew the sun would rise each morning. The sense of loss was incomprehensible, unbearable and his soul longed to follow Jace's into the afterlife to gain back its missing part and fill the gaping hole left behind where it had been ripped away from his own. For just a moment he wanted to die too.

...

Magnus had never felt so helpless. It was hard to accept that Jace was gone. He'd always seemed so indestructible, a part of Alec that would always be there. Alec was leaning back on his elbows struggling to catch his breath. The pain had clearly subsided now that Jace was gone and he felt the desperate need to wrap him up in his arms and somehow make it all ok. But instead he withdrew his hands back and sat trying to understand what had happened. He no longer had that right.

Isabelle sat crying silently next to him, her grief radiating from her in carefully controlled waves, but Alec had stilled completely, his breathing finally slowing. It felt like the calm before the stormed and he decided he just couldn't sit by and watch it. It didnt matter that they weren't together anymore. This transcended that. But as he reached out to touch Alec's shoulder again, he suddenly pulled himself up off the floor and walked off calmly like nothing had happened.

"Alec" Isabelle called after him, moving to follow, clearly as surprised as Magnus was by his abrupt exit.

He reached out his hand to stop her. "It's OK Isabelle, I've got him" he reassured her touching the side of her face lightly. She nodded letting more tears fall and sat back on her knees accepting his help.

...

Alec was moving rapidly gathering his gear clearly getting ready to leave. His face showed absolutely no emotion and he continued as if Magnus hadn't entered his room.

"Alexander" Magnus said quietly hoping to gain his attention but not really knowing what he was going to say. Alec simply ignored him. He sighed sadly and moved to intercept him. He couldn't let him leave like this. That's how people got themselves killed. He needed to take a moment. He gently took hold of his upper arm.

"Alexander stop." He half expected him to tug his arm away and continue getting ready but he didn't. He just froze looking at Magnus' hand and then said evenly - "There's no time Magnus. We need to stop Valentine from raising the angel. There's no-one else now. I need to go."

"Alexander, im so sorry. I can't begin to imagine how much you're hurti..."

"Don't" Alec interrupted. He was breathing rapidly, squeezing his hands into fists. "Please. I can't do this now Magnus."

"Alexander its OK to..."

"No Magnus. Its not." He said finally meeting his gaze. He looked lost, his eyes glistening with pure pain and it broke Magnus' heart to see him like that. He took hold of Alec's other arm so that they were facing closely and this time Alec did try and shrug him off. But he didn't let him.

"Let me go Magnus" he said bringing his hands up to pushed him away becoming agitated. "You need to let me go." He pushed harder.

"Alexander just take a minute."

"No." The tears finally overflowed from his beautiful hazel eyes, running in rivulets down his cheeks. "Just let me go". He was getting angry taking fistfuls of Magnus' shirt fighting to push him away, but Magnus battled back stretching his arms around Alec's back and pulling him into his chest.

"Stop" Alec begged letting a sob escape as he struggled against him, no longer able to push him away with his arms trapped between them. "Please" his composure was breaking before him, the barely contained grief forcing its was out, his pale face contorting in immeasurable pain.

"Please Magnus" he sobbed, but he was no longer fighting him.

The look in his eyes pleaded with Magnus to make it all alright but knowing he couldnt and he finally let his head fall against Magnus' shoulder his body shaking with the agony of his loss. He was gripping so tightly to Magnus' shirt that his fingers must have turned white. Each sobbed reigned for an endless time and Magnus wondered if he was ever going to take another breath just as he'd suck in the air desperately unable to stop the out-pouring of sorrow as they wracked through his body. His knees suddenly gave way and Magnus controlled their descent to the floor pulling Alec tight to him like he was the only thing holding him together. He felt Alec pushed his face into his neck muffling the sounds of his anguished cries and held the back of his head to him, feeling the dampness of his tears against his skin. He wanted to cry with him, but Alec needed him to be strong now so he resisted. He wanted to shush him soothingly and tell him it would be OK. But it wasn't OK and maybe never would be again for Alec, so he just held him and rocked him until the sobs began to lessen.

Eventually Alec sat limp in his arms mostly silent. The sobs had receded to relative calm save for the lingering hitch of his breath with each intake of air. He was staring as if catatonic, his mind shut down, but Magnus knew that wasn't the case. He was trying to close himself off temporarily from the terrible pain that he didn't have the time or strength to process at the moment so that he could do the things as Head of the Institute that he had no choice but to do.

Magnus understood the need. He had lived a long time and had lost many loved ones. Their loss had been a terrible burden, but he'd always got through it. However this was different. Alec had lost his parabatai – lost a part of himself. He couldn't begin to imagine how Alec was feeling. A part of his own soul had died with Jace. How did you get over that. Poor Jace. He was always so cocky and self assured externally, an exceptional Shadowhunter, but Magnus knew his bravado was also just a shield he used to protect himself from the hurt Valentine had reigned on him his whole life. Only his family were allowed to see inside and only Alec has known the true depth of his fragility. He hoped he could find a way to go on without him. He had faith he could.

Alec's breakdown didn't last long, though it felt like an age to Magnus. He was much stronger than his parents or the clave gave him credit for and his longing to be reunited with his brother, if only in body, seemed to overpowered the almost uncontrollable surge of spiralling grief. He suddenly pulled back to look at Magnus and though there were still tears sliding down slowly from his red glassy eyes, his face was composed now. He saw love in those eyes and gratefulness too and for a moment Magnus thought Alec would kiss him, but without warning he pushed himself up and wiped the tears from his face with the back of his sleeve.

"I need to go and get my brother now Magnus, and stop Valentine. Will you help me?"

His strength in the face of an unimaginable burden amazed Magnus and he loved him so much for it. Alec would never stop giving everything he had for others and Magnus decided he would never stop giving every part of himself to Alec. If he still wanted him too that was. He accepted Alec's outstretched hand. He wanted to be by his side he decided, to fight with him and for him until his last breath if necessary.

 **The end**


End file.
